Trauma and Self-Esteem

As a caseworker starting a hectic day, I saw my task list and I questioned myself, “Am I doing good enough?”. Later the same afternoon, while working at the shelter, I heard my client say “Everything is my fault” and I realized for her, this moment of self-doubt was not only a passing thought, but a lens through which she sees herself every day, all the time. Her trauma made her sense of self-doubt louder, constant, and unshakeable.

But how exactly are trauma and self-esteem connected? Let’s break it down.

Trauma is not an event that happens, it is what is felt after the event. It is how the event affects our sense of self and sense of safety. It leaves people feeling powerless, ashamed, and then turns these feelings into internal narratives of how people start identifying themselves.

We as individuals value ourselves; self-esteem is knowing our self-worth, embracing confidence and believing in our capabilities of facing and handling any challenges that come our way. But when trauma hits, it targets these specific areas.

Interpersonal trauma is even more brutal; bullying, negligence, and betrayal, especially in developmental stages, can make one go socially inept. Love, respect, and appreciation are meant to be unconditional and bare minimum, but imagine growing up in a household where love and appreciation are conditioned with performance, perfection, and pleasing others. Fast forward to the future, these kids will grow up as adults struggling with overachieving, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and extreme self-criticism.

We, as a society, judge the tip of the iceberg. We label individuals dealing with trauma and self-esteem issues as “trying too hard” while for them, it is a survival tool to feel good enough. We find them to be too negative, and in turn, we isolate them even more. Instead, we need to open our eyes to the fact that it’s not them; it is their lowered self-esteem, and it was shaped by the experiences that they did not choose!

There are some ways we can help reclaim someone’s self-worth after trauma; we have to remind them that they are not broken. They are human beings who lived through something hard, and every step they take towards self-understanding and self-kindness is a step back home to themselves. Here’s a great place to start:

• Be compassionate and help them practice compassion with themselves by asking them to speak well about themselves.
• Let them know that they can say no and still be safe.
• Assure them that they are allowed to say no by respecting their negation. Let them know about healthy boundaries.
• With their consent, connect them with community groups and spaces where they feel seen, heard and accepted.

In addition to helping them on individual and personal levels, it is important to encourage them to approach their trauma with professional help, which will holistically help them with healing. Sakeenah is a great resource for those in need! Our mental health program is doing meaningful work and extending support to the individuals in need. I am a humble witness to plenty of success stories. If you are looking for a way to support mental wellness in your community, you can learn more about our services here.